blue room

I found this quote somewhere:

A majority of introverted personalities favor the color BLUE, the color of circumspection, for it is allied with conscious control of emotions. … blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, of conservatism and acceptance of obligations. Those who favor it have reflective minds and honest intentions, but sometimes use reason for selfish and self-justified purposes. - Faber Birren

just what does "…sometimes use reason for selfish and self-justified purposes" mean? oh well, what can i say? i love blue.

my head aches so much i think i’m gonna throw up…this is the result of trying to squeeze everything into this little nut of mine. since early this morning i’ve been trying to figure out my automata exercise ’til my head hurt so badly. then i realized, it’s not really automata, it’s everything else…automata is a really good excuse though, but it’s actually easy to deal with had it not been for all other stuffs that’s going on inside my head these days…i need some rest…

my head is aching right now…well, i was trying to be "productive". i started my day so early this morning to start early with the things i needed to accomplish today. i washed a ton load of clothes at 6am coz i wasn’t able to wash them last weekend…there’s no valid excuse why i wasn’t able to…so i had to do it today, otherwise, i’ll have nothing good to wear in the next few days…i finished washing at around 9am then i decided that i need to get started with my Automata Theory exercise set to be submitted this friday coz at the same day we have an exam and so i need to study for that exam. moreover, i have the finish my report for my Operating Systems class before next week bcoz it is 20% of my grade…also, final exam week is fast approaching…i need to finish the course coverage, i have to make exercises and exams…blah blah…and study, study, and more study! gosh…my head is spinning…

but first things first…so i started doing my Automata Theory exercise on context-free languages and pushdown automata after i did a lecture for my discrete math class…after a few minutes my head was about to explode! it wasn’t going so well…i realized it was almost 3pm and i haven’t eaten my lunch…maybe my mind wasn’t working coz i was hungry…so i ate and i really ate a lot (didn’t realize i was that hungry)…when my stomach was full i went back to automata…still no progress…maybe i just have to accept the probable fact that im just not good at this…too bad coz i planned to specialize the theory aspect of computer science (my instructor told me that as teachers we must specialize on a subject). why theory? bcoz computer science (information technology) is a very dynamic field. every so often new programming languages or operating systems or applications or "hi-tech" hardware or new techniques or other tools are produced. it’s so easy get left behind. in the industry, young people dominate the IT department bcoz they’re supposed to be "updated" with the latest technology. the general notion is that the older you get, the more "obsolete" you become if you don’t upgrade and update yourself…of course, this is not always true (but oftentimes i think it is)…but theory is theory, it’s the "foundation", it’s where "new" technology are derived from…it don’t think it will ever become obsolete…so the older you get, the better you become at it…that is why, sometime ago i told myself that (since there’s a big probability that im gonna be teaching for the rest of my life) im gonna study hard (and try to master) on theories—–automata theory, discrete mathematics, theory of programming languages, etc. yes, i know it’s too ambitious of me but who knows…

for now, im just gonna try to pass my automata theory…when i do that, i’ll try to master it…hehehe…ambisyosa!

i tested myself again with the "Your Subconsious Self Test" again coz it’s fun, the questions are so out of nowhere, and here’s the result:

em, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your work life

hmmmm…that just left me speechless…

hmmm…i remembered that i wrote something like "i’ll talk about this next" on one of my previous posts…i was actually reminded of this by my fellow instructor. apparently he read my previous post and got "intrigued" (the buzz ba ito?) and so he asked me about it. so im gonna talk about it now…

yes, i have been considering going on a different track since last June (when summer vacation was officially over and so i have to come back here in cebu).  i was thinking of going back to research in leyte. why? it really is so simple, i just wanna stay home…i love home. cebu is not yet home for me, it’s more like school. i like school but not as much as i love home. cebu teaches me a lot but it’s not where i really wanna stay. yes, i am independent here but im not free (worry-free, that is). i have to think and do and learn a whole lot of things…and get stressed out in the process! but i guess i am "destined" to be here…i am young, i have yet a lot to learn about the tricks and trade of the business of what they call "the real world". and i have to do this on my own (and the hard way, i guess) for me to grow as a person. only cebu can give me that opportunity. while leyte can give me all the comfort of living, it doesn’t help me grow…leyte spoils me, which is not healthy, by providing me with everything—-people that i love, nature that i love, food that i love, simple life that i love…basically everything that i love! but then, all these will cripple me. cebu, on the other hand, will make me strong to make me ready for the good someone that i am gonna be someday. and so i decided to come back here…i am a part-time instructor with a part-time income. i love my job. i love to teach, i can see myself teaching for the rest of my life. that is why im pursuing a masters degree—-to be better teacher someday. but my current financial situation is making me reconsider the industry. my income now is barely enough to make me survive. i even ask my parents for my tuition fee, which is so awkward for me considering i have finished college and i have a job. i should be helping them, instead im being a burden to them. i need a better income to support me and my graduate studies. actually, i have applied last June but i decided to give teaching another blow bcoz i know the industry is not for me. if i enter the industry, im most likely in the research department bcoz im a stat grad. well, i’ve been there. that was my first job, which i gave up for a teaching career at a much lesser salary. why? research is too boring for me. everyday is routine. i don’t really spend a lot of energy doing talking or doing whatever but at the end of almost everyday, i was physically and mentally drained that i can barely smile…so the job is really not for me. when i went into teaching, i spent so much time and effort studying, discussing, checking, computing, etc but at the end of the day im still smiling. everyday is a new day and a new challenge for a teacher…

so there, im in a dilemma…i need think hard, i have a deadline…

as im watching my students doing their lab activity, while i was waiting to answer their questions, i got really bored…and thank goodness the software lab rooms have Internet access, so i browsed the net and came across the Tickle Classic IQ Test…and so since i have basically nothing to do, i took the quiz and i got, according to tickle.com, an IQ score of 136 (Visual Mathematician)…yeah, whatever! IQ scores don’t mean anything…that’s not what is exactly interesting enough why im updating my blog…here’s more interesting (for me)…

so after the IQ test, i viewed the other test available and one test caught my attention (i don’t know exactly why)…it’s the "Your Subconcious Self (what’s really on your mind) Test"…so i took it, and the results are so interesting. here’s the result: (i just gonna copy-paste it)

em, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your finances

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your financial life. But it’s also possible that thoughts and feelings about money have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don’t feel 100% right in your life though you can’t quite figure out why.

You may feel stressed about your finances or that you’re not where you’d like to be financially. Perhaps your financial situation has changed in the past few years or isn’t changing in the ways you’d like it to. Maybe you feel like you need more money to feel comfortable in your life. Or maybe you’re so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

lol…that just placed a smile on my face…why? bcoz it’s totally true…right now im so worried (financially speaking) on how im gonna survive 15 more days…i got a very meager salary for this half-month with so many dues to pay…but don’t worry, i’ll be fine…

i transferred boarding house…yes, i did! and no, there is nothing really wrong with my last boardng house except that i was having too much fun…yes, way too much for me to handle…there were too many temptations that i haven’t been paying much attention to my job and studies. everytime i’d come home from school all i ever do is chitchat with my boardmates. i go from one room to another for that, and that’s until early in the morning…very unproductive! i don’t blame my former boardmates, i can’t even blame the place (i know it’s too comfy for me)…all i can blame is me…so i have to do the "right" thing and stay away from temptations for me to able to do the things i need to do…and so here i am at my new boarding house which is completely opposite the old one…here, my other boardmates are so quiet (im not complaining about the noise in my old one coz really, i like it) bcoz most of them are already working. people here also sleep so early, or least so early for me, coz i always end up being the only one awake at 12 midnight (which is still early for me). there’s really no one to talk to here so i always stay in my room alone and end up checking my students’ testpapers or studying coz there’s really not much to do…so to assess, i think im more productive here, which serves the purpose why i transfered, although it’s reeeeeeeeeeeelly boring! anyway, i only need to get through this semester coz im thinking of going a different track next semester, which im going to talk about next…for now, im still gonna think hard…and, huh, study…coz i have midtem exams for my masters tomorrow…geeezzz…im taking too much time here on the Internet when im supposed to study…!!!

right now i’m giving a hands-on exam for a programming class and i think i’m being quite "harsh" to my students…and by "harsh" i mean, strict…strict in the sense that i don’t entertain questions related to the lessons the exam covers. my reason is that, this is an exam and so this is not the time to ask questions about the lesson, this should be done during the lecture. i immediately call the attention of students looking at their seatmate’s work or talking with another student…and deduct points on second call. they are only allowed to ask questions to me but i don’t answer "senseless" questions—-questions they can answer themselves if they only think harder or if they read the instructions carefully…it really gives me a BIG headache when a student asks me questions that are not well-thought of first…and specially questions that arise simply bcoz they did not listen to my discussion…ok, stop! i think i’m ranting already…

now is a very busy monday afternoon, but hey no one can stop me from blogging anyway…hehe…i miss this blog thingy, never did this since 48 years ago…well, know me, i always claim to be busy all the time…and yes i really am (or maybe just too lazy sometimes)…so here i am, still looking for myself and what it is i want to happen with my life here in cebu. i tranferred boarding house just yesterday to get nearer to church (yes, i am active with church) and also bcoz i no longer feel safe at my old boarding. i do still go there often though, bcoz i still have lots of friends and it’s near school so i just hang out there during my freetime…hmmm…what time is it? oh no, i should have finished checking one set of test papers this afternoon but im too tired to do it now…i have a mountain of test papers to check! and i should be able to compute my students’ grades by next week…but i still have midterm exams this weekend! i think im gonna die anytime soon…i’ll be home late again tonight coz my class ends at 9pm…ok, stop! this isn’t goin’ anywhere…my mind is tired and so my thoughts are random…sorry…i’ll do this better next time…